


(i'm sorry about the blood in your mouth) i wish it was mine

by okayantigone



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Daddy Kink, Gen, Ichirou isn't 18 yet in this, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Underage - Freeform, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 10:26:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11355564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okayantigone/pseuds/okayantigone
Summary: Ichirou does a bad thing, and Nathan takes the blame, like a responsible adult.





	(i'm sorry about the blood in your mouth) i wish it was mine

**Author's Note:**

> I think this is the first Nathan/Ichirou story I wrote, heavily inspired by Sharp Objects - the other book I was obsessed with at the time. Heed the tags.

stupid, stupid, stupid,   
there isn’t a single part of him that feels whole, that feels unbroken. stupid boy, he berates himself in his father’s voice. what were you thinking, stupid boy. what did you expect to happen?   
the words are in his head are in his hands are on his skin careless ; wasteful.   
stupid boy. 

he doesn’t think he could move if he had to, if his life depended on it. knocks at the door startle him, and he thinks he might be shaking his head.

don’t make me move, he thinks. i’m good where i am.

stupid.

the door handle rattles. leave it be greta.

his tongue is so heavy in his mouth. why can’t she leave it be?

he blacks out to the sound of greta screaming very loudly.

stupid, he thinks. he forgot that the cleaning lady comes today. stupid.

-

He wakes up to blinding white light, and the smell of bleach, and the beeping of hospital equipment. He wakes up feeling tired. His hands weigh like lead, and he is in pain, and he feels small. The bed is big, and the sheets are nice. A private room, with private comforts paid with Moriyama money.

He blinks a few times, forces his eyes to focus. He is alone. If he closes his eyes, he can imagine inconspicuous black clad guards sitting in front of the door. A tasteful flower arrangement at his bedside lets him know to get well soon,son.

fuckyou. he thinks. fuckyou.

He squeezes his right hand in a fist very carefully. It sends pain up his arm, so hard and blinding it sends white flashes dancing in front of his eyes. He moves, with effort, and forces his uncooperative fingers to call for a nurse.

She brings him water and adjusts his pain medication.

No, no one has been to visit him. No, she doesn’t know when he will be discharged. No, the media is not aware of where he is. Okay, thankou.

Stupid. He wants his phone. Okay, she will tell one of the guards.

He knows his face, and name and birthday. He knows his favorite color. His scars. When men die for you, you have to know who they are. There you go, your phone, sir. Everything is being handled.

Okaythankyou, Has anyone come? No. Noone? No one.

His phone is fully charged. Someone took the trouble. Was it Greta? How is Greta, she is taking some time off, she was very rattled, everything is being handled. Okaythankyou.

Opens his phone. His passcode is laughable 2288824433777. He is a child.

Stupid. He has a message from Declan, that he ignores, and 95 messages from Helen, and event invites, and for a moment the glare of the red buttons on the phone, accusing him of not doing his job, of not taking the time, of being an irresponsible wasteful, careless stupid boy is too much, and then he –

swipes to open the texts from a blocked number

we need to talk now – n

i’m not fucking around we need to talk.

what the fuck happened>   
why are there people at my house?

what the fuck did you do?

they think i did something to you, call me NOW

what did you do?

call me

CALL ME

he lets the phone drop to the bedspread. He doesn’t have the strength to hold it up.

“Where’s Nathan?”

Everything is being taken care of.

“That isn’t what I asked, is it? Where is Nathan?” he is using his Lord Moriyama voice, the one he has to, and these men will obey him, will die for him.

“We will find him, and he will be punished for what he did to you.”

“What he – “ Jesus. They thought Nathan did this.

“It wasn’t him.”

“Sir?”

“Call your men off now. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t – “

“Sir, with all due respect, you are still rattled from what happened to you, you are in shock and –“

“I tried to kill myself,” he says is very quietly, and enunciates every word. “That is what happened to me. So you will get on your phone right now, and call everyone off, and let Nathan return, am I understood?”

“Your father said – “

“My father isn’t in his room, is he?” he makes a broad sweeping gesture, and lets his hand fall down to the covers halfway through. “My father is in – “

He draws a blank. Where was Kengo supposed to be again? Not here.

“Aspen,” the man supplies. Ichirou nods. Right. Why would his father try to cut his holiday short, in the face of his only – firstborn, he corrects himself immediately – firstborn son’s very possible death? Would he have come down, if he’d known Ichirou tried to kill himself, and it wasn’t an attempt on his life.

But he knows the answer to that. He has lived through it already, and the answer is no.   
In a hospital room like this one, he had opened his eyes to the stench of bleach, and Nathan had been sitting, and looking at him. 

“What the fuck did you do kid?”   
stupid, stupid.

“I want Nathan.”

Childish. Silly. He’s not a child anymore.

yessir. verywellthankyou.

how you doin? asks Declan whose Cristmas in DC is marked by the absence of a father, and the presence of two brothers – one who resents him, and one who he resents.

bad. he hits send. he doesn’t lie to Declan. Not ever.

Helen sends pictures of her beautiful family in beautiful places, doing beautiful things. Do you want to come with us to Vermont?   
It’s time stamped three days ago. He would have loved to. Stupid.

He goes straight into deleting the messages he has from Tetsuji. Nothing from his father.

He closes his eyes.

When he wakes up, the room is empty again, and it’s dark. His phone is giving him red buttons again. He wants to chuck it at the wall, but he can’t. Not until he checks for a message from Nathan.

CALL ME is still the last thing in their conversation thread.   
Ichirou wishes it were that easy, but just the thought of pressing the little headphone and putting the phone to his ear makes him flinch. He doesn’t have to call Nathan. He can’t.

In the morning he gets hospital jelly, and a fresh change of bandages.

His arms are… worse than he expected, under layers of white linen. He tres to touch his stitches and the nurse slaps his hand lightly. He flinches.

“You must have some serious pull. If you were anyone else we’d have you committed.”

Okay. He knows that. He had been hoping for it. Six months at an idyllic place, where he would have time. Of course, what he had been hoping for was not to wake up at all.

stupid.

She changes the bandages on his stomach too.

“It will scar,” she says.

okay, he says, that was the point, he wants to say. fuckyou

He sleeps more, because he is tired, and when he wakes up this time, he knows he isn’t alone.

“What the fuck did you do this time, kid?”

Ichirou just shakes his head, because if he tries to say anything, his throat closes up, and he will cry, and he doesn’t want to, stupid, stupidstupid –

He claws at his thigh through the sheets.

“Come on, none of that – “ Nathan stands, comes up next to him. Ichirou leans into him, hides his face in his stomach. He smells of Calvin Klein, and his shirt is silk. His hands come to rest on Ichirou’s shoulders awkwardly. Ichirou feels the leather of a holster against his cheek. It doesn’t feel real, and it doesn’t click until then, that it happened. Again, it happened. Stupid boy.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry – I’m sorry -I’m sorry he thought you did it. I didn’t think he would. I left a note.” Stupid. “I’m sorry I used your knives I –“

“Shut up,” Nathan says. “Shut up, don’t talk.”

Ichirou’s mouth shuts with a click of his jaw.

“Don’t you ever do that again,” Nathan says. His eyes are very, very blue. Blue like a bruise. “Do you hear me? Don’t you fucking dare.” Ichirou blinks. Distracted. Stupid. “Nod so I know you understand me.”

He nods.

“Good boy,” Nathan says. Ichirou heaves a breath that isn’t quite a sob.

“Daddy –“

“Shush. It’s okay now. You’re here. You’re fine. You’ll be okay. They’ll discharge you soon, and you’ll go back to DC.”

He nods. He understands.   
“Ichirou?”

Another nod.

“I don’t think you should be returning for your breaks anymore.”

He blinks. Don’t you want me around? Don’t you miss me? Stupid boy.

“I might come down to DC to see you sometimes. There’s no point. It’s not good for you. Your father agrees.”

His father doesn’t care. He probably tuned Nathan out as soon as his name came up. Careless. Wasteful. Useless.

“Okay.”

Ichirou. Lookatme.

okay. looking.

“i want you to be doing okay. and that’s not happening in new york. do you understand? nod.”

yesdaddy.

“i can’t protect you, if you’re hurting yourself.”

yesdaddy sorrydaddy

“the doctors will prescribe you some medication, and you should start taking it. it will make you better. and you won’t be as sad.”

okaydaddy

“ichirou?”

yesdaddy

“i will always take care of you. i’ve pledged my life to it. you are my lord.”

yesthankyou.

ichirou.

he closes his eyes. he is tired. he wants to sleep. he’s hurting again.

words, he mouths against Nathan’s palm.

“what?”   
“you asked what i did. i carved words. “ stupid. careless. wasteful. useless. lord.

“ichirou-“

“It doesn’t matter now. I’m sorry I used your knives. I will be better.”

Nathan presses his lips in a line. Look angry.

“They said you tried to slit your wrists.”

“I didn’t try.”

He’d cut a tendon. His left hand would give him a lot of trouble from now on. Good think he shot with his right.

Hands on his shoulders. Rough.

“If you pull shit like that again, I’m going to finish you off myself, do you understand me, boy?”

Stupid.

“Yes.”

“Just let me do my fucking job and take care of you.”

yesdaddy.

“Good boy.”

thankyoudaddy.

He closes his eyes. Stupid. Careless. Wasteful.   
Good boy.


End file.
